There has been many times in my life the work of God has left me in awe but this has to be one of the most profound times He has done so. As some of you may know, this Friday we celebrate the life of Isaiah, our first baby who we lost early in my pregnancy. Last year around this same time, I sat here at my computer and typed these words:
“For years this day was a painful reminder of the loss of our first baby seven years ago. It was filled with “what could have been” and a deep sorrow. But for the past few years God has been shining His light casting out the darkness of these days. On my birthday calendar I keep our family and friends names with their ages next to them. Our Isaiah’s is left blank beside his name. Our baby’s life is not counted by years or a number on the calendar. His life is measured by the legacy he has left us. His life is counted by Jesus and is not a life lost but instead one of eternal value. This year, as I watched the calendar days slowly get closer to the name “Isaiah” I was filled with joy. God has been laying things on my heart to carry on his work through Isaiah’s life. He has spent the past seven years healing my broken heart, stitching together the hole losing my first child left. One by one, the stitches threaded shut my wound and the healing of a Father, who knew all to well my pain, took place. It’s time to celebrate and move forward, to help others find healing from the One true Healer. There are no dark clouds on this day - only joy eternal!”
Little did I know what was about to take place in my life. One month later, May 2012, we announced Heart Stitches. In 2012 we sent out a total of 37 Heart Stitch bears to families who have experienced a miscarriage. Today as I sat down with my papers to update my files I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. This year alone we have already sent out 26 bears. The amount of bears we have given…63. Financially it doesn’t make sense. When we tell you each bear costs an average of $25 to send, we truly mean that. This is nothing short of the grace and provision of God.
We have also recently launched our HS Treasure Bracelet to memorialize the lives of the babies whose precious lives never lived outside their mamas womb. As I wrote down the orders I realized we are already low in stock and will need to make more bracelets right away. It is an understatement to say that God has grown Heart Stitches greatly over the past few months.
Next, I began checking our messages and found a few of the most touching stories I have ever heard. One read: “I received my bear this past weekend. I cannot even begin to tell you the joy it brought to me. I thought, holding that bear in my arms, that I would be overwhelmed with sadness, but instead, I could not stop smiling. The bear is the perfect symbol of our precious little life. It is displayed on a shelf in my living room, and I smile more every time I look at him. Thank you for this ministry. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your prayers.”
In the back of my mind I began thinking of several of the families who have allowed us to journey with them. A friend who we sent our very first bear to is pregnant and due very soon. Another woman dear to our hearts has just lost another unborn child. And a family who just found out they are expecting again and asking for our prayers. There are so many emotions and feelings involved when dealing with something so sacred and deep. I was overwhelmed as all of this seemed to flash before me at once.
Thinking back to 8 years ago when I sat in my driveway begging God to let me keep my baby, I was young and scared. I wanted so much to bring our child into the world and care for it the way I dreamed of each day. I had never prayed as hard as I did that night. But as the night turned into day, I knew I couldn’t have the life I pleaded for, the child I begged God to let me keep. I knew the time for me to care for my little one was soon going to be over, that the life I carried inside of me for weeks before was now leaving. I cherished those last days with him, treasured them in my heart. It wasn’t until he was “officially” gone that I went numb. If only I had known.
Knowing what an impact his short life would one day make in this world would not have made losing him any easier. But I wish I would have known and understood God’s Sovereignty and Love like I do now. I wish I would have trusted that He would take even the most immeasurable hurt and turn it into something so beautiful. I wish I would have known that my precious angel’s very short life would long outlast his days. I wish I knew even more than I had what a blessing God had given me when he chose me to carry Isaiah. And I wish I would have known the loneliness and splitting silence I felt after losing another baby would one day allow me to understand the hearts of so many. That fully knowing the profound joy of giving birth to three healthy babies while fully knowing the profound sorrow of losing two others would put me in a place of ministering from a real, honest heart that understands. If only I had known that God would absolutely use the most tragic of days I’d faced to bring life to another broken heart. If only I had known.
It may not be understandable to some, but I am honored to be their Mama. I am humbled each day as I hear of another life touched, comforted and encouraged. I am in awe how my Great God can truly turn our broken, storm-tossed lives into precious beauty.
“O, afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, Behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires.” Isaiah 54:11
As I sit here tonight, I don’t know where you are at. I don’t know your story or what you have suffered or celebrated. But what I do know is that my God is good.
He is Sovereign.
He is Able.
He is Healer.
He gives beauty for the places that are scorched, charred and beyond recognition.
“To all who mourn, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive of praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his glory.” Isaiah 61:3
I know that it does not matter how broken, bruised or crushed you may be - God is Who He says He is.
I know that He is the God Who brings life out of all that seems dead.
If only I had known then.
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