Truth in Politics and Prayers

Over two years ago we gathered to soak up every last minute with the young man who chose to serve his country and join the Navy.  In the months to come we would send him letters, Face-time at get-togethers, celebrate holidays two weeks too early just to have him be a part of it and ache as our hearts all adjusted to him being a world away.  His choice affected each and every one of us profoundly.  We view the flag a little differently and hold the sacredness of the sacrifice that so many have made a lot closer.  We stand taller and hold our heads higher when the anthem plays… because this man we all love dearly is one of them.  One of the countless men and women who have chosen to risk their lives, step away from their comforts, leave their families and fully embrace the unknown path ahead of them – so that we may be free. 

Our flag is symbolic of the heart of our country, the foundation we were founded on and the gratitude that is due to the brave men and women who have given their lives so that we may live freely.  It seems as though many citizens in this day are fueled from misguided truths that our flag may be representative of a certain person, position, or party. 

But it is not. 

The truth that waves in our flag is that we have the right to choose and within that choice we are to stand united, even when the cards are not in our own personal favor.  Because to disrespect, tear down, burn and trample the symbol of our country is to do those very acts to each and every soldier.  And not only that soldier but each person whose lives that single soldier affects: their families, their friends, the ones they’ve left behind to serve. 

We can’t change the behavior that so many have adopted in this day and age.  We can’t force them to understand the vast effects of their unruly actions.  But what we can do is our part in allowing Truth to triumph. 

As media stir up fear, failure and injustice – we will humbly, boldly allow the peace that passes all understanding to penetrate the suffocating cloud that threatens this life.

In the midst of the screaming shouts of politics – we will choose to tune our ears to the whisper of our God who is faithful to hear our prayers, honor our pleas and provide for His people. 

Flags may be trampled and torn – but the hearts that beat red, white and blue cannot be broken. 

Man’s words may be slung and abused – but we will ground ourselves in the God-breathed Word that no man can replace, refute or undo. 

Knees may be taken – but we will stand taller, prouder, and even more thankful to represent one nation under God. 

When division and hostility is barked – we will bear in mind that only in unity and reverent fear of the Lord can we find sure footing.

Whether these past days have brought a sense of victory or sorrow, one thing we must know to be true for each of us is that this world will ALWAYS prove difficult to navigate.  We weren’t created for all that we face: the mess, scandals, busyness, hopelessness, the inconsistent waves of defeat, death, disease, war and turmoil. 

It will never be convenient. 

It will never be exactly how we want it.

We are in this world but not of this world.  

So each day we must do our best to live in the Truth that has already triumphed at the Cross. 

We follow the One who has gone before us that we may find eternal hope in freedom from this world we’re passing through.

And we thank the brave souls that have gone where called so that we may live free in this temporary home until that day comes…

“In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”  Matthew 5:9

He Wept

"Now a man named Lazarus was sick.  He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha.  This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.  So the sisters sent word to Jesus, 'Lord, the one you love is sick.'

When he heard this, Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death.  No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it.'  Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.  Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was for two more days."  John 11:1-6

The promises and words of Jesus often are found in simplicity.  Upon the news of Lazarus's sickness Jesus simply says that "it will not end in death."  There was a bigger plan at stake, a more eternal perspective to suffering and it was for the glory of God.  Jesus made it clear, not in a parable as he often did, but in a direct statement that this sickness would not end in death ...yet Lazarus dies.

"So then he told them plainly, 'Lazarus is dead, and for you sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe.  But let us go to Him.'  ...On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days."   John 11:14-15, 17

Although his body lay in the tomb, wrapped in graves clothes, death was not the final say for Lazarus.  Jesus had a healing glory to show.  Upon his arrival many others had come to comfort Mary and Martha at the loss of their brother.  The first reactions from the sisters were that of deep grief, a place we so often find ourselves, in telling Christ what could have been.  They ran to him both having said that if Jesus had been there, their brother would not have died.  What we can't seem to wrap our minds around is that Jesus will do exactly what he says he will do.  Instead of trusting that Jesus will show up, and not only come to us but come on time, we allow our temporary circumstances to define the faithfulness of Christ.  So often, this habit causes us to falter on our side of the relationship, to choose disbelief over faith.  But thank God for His faithfulness to us despite our faults and failures. 

The beauty of this passage is found in Mary's physical reaction to Jesus.  Yes, she was filled with sorrow and grief, and her heart ached at the wonder of why Jesus didn't come sooner, why he didn't answer in the way she expected him to, but when she heard of his arrival, she rand and "she fell at his feet."  There at the feet of Jesus, Mary wept and wept, physically surrendering her hurt, her sorrow, her questions and fears.  There is a sacredness at the feet of Jesus that draws the hurting, healed and praising people.  We must realize the strength it took for Mary to run and fall there. 

How many of us would have closed the door and turned away?

How many of us would have been so overtaken by our sorrow that we wouldn't have even lifted our heads?

Would we have stayed in the company of our friends and used their comforts as a temporary ease?

When sorrow, fear, doubt and disbelief threaten to take our hearts out, the greatest courage we can have comes in falling on our knees and surrendering to Jesus.

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled...

                                                               Jesus wept...

Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb."  John 11:33, 35, 38

Have you ever considered the immense love of Christ?

I mean, really stopped and allowed it to sink deep?

Mary's beloved brother had died, days had passed and I'm sure by then the reality of his death began setting in.  Imagine the questions that ran through her mind: why it was him that became sick, why the sickness took his life, where was Jesus and why hadn't he come?  And now she is fallen before Jesus, weeping at his feet, the kind of weeping that comes from the very depths of our being.  A weeping that forces its way to the surface and that can't be held back, one that causes us to winder if we can survive that which we face.  A weeping that unleashed a flood from every eye in the crowd.

Then Jesus wept.

He is not far from our grief, he is not a passive King, but rather One who comes close and weeps along with us.  His heart is heavy with concern for those who He loves, His compassions never fail.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. 

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each on in your book."

Psalm 56:8 NLT

From there Jesus asked to be led to the tomb where the body of Lazarus was laid.  The two of these images together encompass the glorious dynamic of our Savior - one who is perfectly gentle, come close and weeping as we weep; all while perfectly strong in coming close to death itself, facing it as it is, confident in His ability to overcome.  Standing at the grave of one we love is no easy task, it brings a reality to our grief that seems to unearth a new layer.  Yet there, in from of the tomb, he issues one command: to believe.

"'Did I not tell you that if you believe, you would see the glory of God?' 

So they took away the stone.  Then Jesus looked up and said, 'Father I thank you that you have heard me....'Jesus called out in a loud voice, 'Lazarus, come out!'  The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and cloth around his face.  Jesus said to them, 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go.'"  John 11: 40-41, 43-44

At the grave of his treasured friend, Jesus gave thanks to the Father.  He chose to have gratitude despite the sorrow, the weeping, and the seemingly impossible.  He chose an act of thanksgiving right there at the grave, the he commanded Lazarus out of the tomb.  When Lazarus walks out, Jesus has them strip him of his grave clothes.  We can find ourselves in similar circumstances, life deals us a hard hand and we shut down our hearts, we die a small death in order to survive.  But this is not the life we are meant to live - half-hearted, numb to the world, shutdown and buried in feelings of defeat, anxiety and fear.  We remain in these self-made "tombs" and wrap ourselves in grave clothes of bondage, depression, and despair.  But because of Christ, we have hope.  Our gratitude abolishes the sting of death-like circumstances every time.  Jesus called Lazarus our and "the dead man came out."  As well, he calls us out of our self-made tombs and gives us the strength and the breath we need to put one foot in front of the other and walk toward His voice.  He removes the grave clothes and adorns us with beauty and a brilliance that radiates from His light within us. 

"Can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, I

n those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift,

this grand setting-everything-right, that one man Jesus Christ provides?" 

Romans 5:17 MSG

Our hearts desperately need to know that we are not "too far gone," we have not "done too much," and when all that is within us screams for us to give up, that God is too late, that we are forgotten:  God is for us, He will never leave us nor forsake us (Deut 31:6).  He is near us every moment of every day.  His commanding whisper shouts louder than any death, any impossibility, and any circumstance that we have or will ever face.  But we must tune our spiritual ears to listen for Him.  We must come out, out of darkness, out of hiding and into His Presence.  Because it is in His Presence that our chains are broken by the authority of Jesus' Name, the Only Name.  It is there we have been given life and we have been set free.

Come, follow His voice, find your way out, and believe.  It is time to remove the grave clothes and put on a new wardrobe.  Your story does not need to end in death, for Christ came that you may have eternal, everlasting life! 

Lord, thank you for calling to me.  For not requiring anything from me but my heart in the very condition it is in - be it a devastated mess or filled and overflowing.  You give me strength when I am at the end of myself.  Rid me of this heart of stone that has been kept hidden in shame and give me one of flesh - beating with, living for, and tender toward you!  Shatter my pride and teach me to worship the beauty of your creation, even within my own self.  Purge me of all darkness, dispel it with your Light that you may create a pure heart within me. 

Thank you for giving me life - redeemed, forgiven, full and free.  Great are you, Lord, mighty in power and filled with a love for us that is unfailing. 

Amen.

*This post is chapter 19 HE WEPT from my book, "SHE BLED" available here: SHE BLED by Afton Burkholder

The Root of Mercy

I was tangled in dirt and roots. 
Yet you called, because you saw something more.
I brought you my bouquet, tattered and torn and much less than you deserved. 
My heart longed to please you, to offer you more than all I could give.

Through the darkness you whispered,
                 “Am I not a merciful Father?”
You reached through the roots that tangled and found this heart calling to you. 
You met me at my worst and never flinched at the sight of my humanness.
My mother’s tears hit the ground as you called me Home, but hope has been found in the root of mercy.

The One who has bore the weight of our sin, so that we could be freed from slavery.

The One who broke the chains that bound, so that we would no longer be prisoners. 

The One who has gone before us and conquered the grave, so that we would live.

The One whose love is anchored in the promise of the cross, so that even facing death we may find life without end. 

The testimony of His faithfulness.
The assurance of His love.
The knowing that He weeps as we weep.
The rejoicing of a life made whole, rescued, redeemed…
No longer tangled in the mess of this world,

                            But forever rooted by mercy.

Heather Mighells

September 20, 1979 - August 1, 2016

http://www.maukandyates.com/memsol.cgi?user_id=1835205

The Roots that Tangle

Our littlest fella recently got a new “big boy” bike and has anxiously been waiting for a trail ride.  The plan was to go to the bike trail so the kids could all ride and we could enjoy a walk together. 

But when you’re a parent, plans never go as planned. 

Once we started, the little guy spent more time jumping off and back on his bike than he did riding it.  This sweet boy always picks his mama flowers and a trail lined with wildflowers of all colors and kinds was perfect pickings that he couldn’t resist.  He would pedal so far, hit his brakes, jump off, pick a flower and bring it to mama, then hop back on and pedal some more, repeating the process for the entire ride.  Nearing the end of the ride, he was grinning ear to ear with a handful of daisies, dragging behind all of their roots and the dirt to go along. He proudly held out the bouquet to me and I gently pulled each delicate white flower away from the tangled roots.  When we got home I placed these beautiful little gifts in a vase on our windowsill. 

How thankful I am for our Father’s goodness and grace toward us.  We tend to be such a mess of a people, tangled up in the dirt and shallow roots of unrighteousness.  Those things that make us feel less-than beautiful, less-than worthy, stuck in the snare of shame and doubt.  Tangled roots of our past, our failures, and our sins.  Dirt that wants to keep us grounded on the sidelines and away from displaying the glory of God which we were created to do. 

We judge one another, we cast stones and look past planks of our own.  We cast off the beautiful when it’s the most in need of a Savior.  We disregard what could be, and magnify the mess of another. 

But thank God for His Loving ways… 

                                                who graciously receives His children when they return.  

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.  Wash away my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.”  Psalm 51:1-2

A Father who doesn’t flinch at the sight of our tangled roots, but gently removes them from our identity. 

One who takes what is and makes it a beautiful display for the glory of His Name. 

Most of all, a Father who never returns to what was left behind, who doesn’t look back or return us to those dirt bound places. 

“But sin didn’t, and doesn’t, have a change in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace.  When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down.  All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it.   Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life – a life that goes on and on and on, world without end.”  Romans 5:20-21 MSG

The Ending

Rainy afternoons always call for movie time when you’re a kid, even if you’ve already watched the same one several times in a row. 

I folded laundry as the kids watched Zootopia for about the fifth time that week.  In the movie the animals live in a town but soon some of them begin going “savage” and Judy (a bunny-cop) is trying to get to the bottom of it.  There are some parts that are suspenseful but just as can be expected, it has a good ending.  Judy solves the case, the bad guys are caught, and they all live happily ever after. 

“I’m scared!  I’m scared!  I don’t like this part, it scares me!”  Jayden dramatically announced as she has every time certain scenes play. 

“But you know how it ends.  Why are you scared?”

“I know I do!  It’s creepy and it scares me!  I’m scared!”

“You know what’s going to happen, you know the ending.  There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

As I continued folding laundry, this exchange replayed in my head.  But this time it wasn’t my daughter announcing fear over a movie – it was our country, our world, announcing fear over the condition it is in and our Father stating the Truth, reminding us of the outcome.

Our generation is one ridden with fear.  Some crouched in a corner afraid to make a stand, and others standing with fear as their personal platform for protest.  At the root of it all is FEAR.   

Most Christians are frozen with their jaws on the ground, shaking their heads, caught up in disbelief.  We are letting the enemy further his ground as we let fear take grip on our hearts.  Out of fear we remain silent, keep our light hidden under a bushel of worries and reasonings.  Even better for the enemy is when we do just the opposite and we speak up out of fear.  Doing this, we tear down one person after another as we point out sins and position ourselves as judge.  We are quick to give our opinion on how God feels, what He’s doing, what He’s about to do as though our minds can grasp such things.  Sure there are signs, there are things as Christ-followers we need to be watching for, but not out of fear and shock – we are to be alert with a heart that fully trusts a Father who already took care of the outcome. 

The morning before the exchange with my girl, I was reading in Genesis and happened to be reading about Sodom and Gomorrah. 

“The two angels arrived in Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city.  When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground.  ‘My lords,’ he said, ‘please turn aside to your servant’s house.  You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning….

Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom – both young and old- surrounded the house.  They called out to Lot, ‘Where are the men who came to you tonight?  Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.’… They kept bringing pressure on Lot and moved forward to break down the door.” Genesis 19:1-11

When I read this, I stopped and re-read it to make sure I had read it correctly.  Every man, young and old, came to have sex with the men… “Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion.”  Jude 7

We are faced with a generation of issues: politics, homosexuality, wars, protests, killing, lawlessness….

Is this exclusive to our generation?  No.  It’s been going on since the fall of man, it’s where the human heart wanders when it isn’t grounded in its Maker.  It may be new to us in our lifetime, but it’s not new to the Creator and All-Knowing God. 

He calls those who follow Him to not stand with a fear-ridden heart, but to stand in the strength of a rock-solid trust in having knowledge of how it ends! 

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Tim 1:7

This isn’t to say that the headlines won’t at times leave us shocked and leave our hearts weeping, but they must not leave us paralyzed or puffed up.  When we struggle to understand, we must find our peace in knowing the One who does understand.  We must know that above all he calls us to LOVE.  To love our enemies, to pray for those who persecute us, to extend grace to those we don’t consider deserving, to be merciful to the sinner but not soft on sin. 

 “Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.”  Hebrews 9:28

When the enemy plagues fear on a nation, we need to rise as an army of people who know the outcome, who find strength and comfort and peace in the victory already received.  When our hearts are tempted to cry out that we are afraid, we need to hear the Father’s voice telling us

“You know what’s going to happen, you know the ending.  There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Above the Storm

It was a weekend we had planned and anticipated for weeks.  We made the several hour drive out of populated towns, into the unaltered mountains with the river bending through and as we did, everything seemed to slow down. The change in physical pace was a much needed reminder to slow down our spiritual pace. 

The weather was beautiful the day we arrived and although rain was in the forecast, we continued forward and hoped for the best.  Each of us set up our tents, unpacked our belongings and settled in for the weekend.  We greeted old friends and were introduced to new ones. As a new day came, so did the rain.  Not just a light shower but a downpour, then a break followed by yet another downpour.  Rain never does stop kids so we all followed suit and although the ground was wet, we all stayed.  Some of us danced, some played, others fished, and took walks.  The rain allowed us time to talk and catch up, to learn new things and grow.  That evening, in perfect time, the sky cleared and we all sat under a shower of fireworks and soon after sent off lanterns.  Lanterns that slowly floated through the valley along the clear path of the river lighting the dark. 

The last day came with weather much the same.  We had just finished packing up our belongings when the farthest place in the valley became black.  Those of us who were packed and ready to go could have set off for home, but we stayed.  As the storm crept closer we pitched together to help our friends get their belongings away.  We all got soaked, but we wouldn’t leave and didn’t leave, until we could all leave. 

As we drove home that day and reflected on our weekend, our hearts were full.  There was something more to that weekend that couldn’t be explained, a nudging on our hearts that success wasn’t being defined by the crowd or the weather.  Instead it was being defined as something far greater, far more meaningful, far more church-like and Kingdom sought.

We don’t always wake up to bright, clear days.   It most often happens to be the times in our lives that we expect the best of days, when clouds roll through and the sky opens up and pours down.  All our well-though-out plans don’t stand against the eternal plans of the Unchangeable, Unshakeable, and Sovereign God.  Life happens, hurt happens, heartache, and loss happen.  Yet something within us needs to resolve that come what may – it will be well with our soul.  

We can easily settle down after surviving our own storm and find comfort on the other side.  We can see the storm coming and tuck tail and run the other way.  But there are times when others need us to walk alongside of them and help them find shelter in the storm.  The same shelter we once found, a refuge for the weak, and comfort for the broken.  Times when we need to learn to dance in the rain and open our arms wide to receive what we never expected, but needed the most.  Moments when the black storm is rolling in, when others may fear and panic, but need us to stand firm and face the storm knowing confidently that we know personally the One above the storm.

There will be times when those we are in relationship with need us to be strong and believe for them until they can find strength to believe for themselves.  Because once we’ve been through the storm, we can’t walk away and let others get lost within it.  They need His light to help break through their darkness and lead them straight out. 

In this life, storms will come, rain will pour and the ground beneath us will be soaked.  But there is hope in troubled times, when the bottom drops out and the carefully crafted walls cave in.   There is One who can redeem, reclaim and rebuild the storm-tossed land of our hearts.  

…and it is a beautiful thing!

“O afflicted one, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires.”  Isaiah 54:11

“Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.  You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.  Selah.”  Psalm 32:6-7

The Parade of Grief

It was colder than cold and we were in line readying our float for the parade.  We were filling candy bags, straightening decorations and covering the kids with blankets on the hay bales. 

And freezing. 

I took a call and something deep within my heart resonated and I knew. 

My dear uncle was in the hospital and not due to lack of hope, but more so to be what I believe my loving Father preparing me, I knew he wasn’t going to make it back home. 

This time he would be going Home. 

I hung up the phone and buried myself into my husband’s embrace.  The parade had begun and it was our turn in line, so I quickly dried my tears and had taken my place alongside our float - smiling, greeting the crowd, handing out candy, and walking forward as inside my heart was breaking. 

God would graciously provide us with time to say goodbye, precious moments full of His grace that I cherish before he would go Home a few short days later.  The day he passed my heart was prepared, as prepared as a heart can be to lose someone so foundational in your life, I was at peace with saying goodbye and thankful for the closure I was afforded.  Completely unlike the morning of that parade where I was shocked, where I didn’t feel ready or prepared.  Therefore, that particular day has since served as a marker of my uncle’s death more so than the one of his passing, it’s one that feels as cold emotionally as it did physically that day two years ago. 

I was checking our calendar for a few dates when I realized that this year the day that he went Home and the parade fall on the same day.  It seems such a silly thing to get upset over but I just don’t like it.  It’s a portion of my grief that is more difficult to navigate: bitter cold, an unexplained feeling deep within my being of a certain end drawing near, having to pick up and push forward too soon. 

It brought a flood of emotions, maybe all the ones I locked inside that day as I forced myself to smile and put one foot in front of the other.  I am grateful for the days and moments that followed that parade, when I was able to grieve and to witness love, to find joy through the sorrow and abiding peace through the wrenching ache.  Those were the moments that I trusted God with my heart through the hurt, as I allowed His provision and strength to carry me through.  From the still, quiet moments in the hospital room, to honoring his life at the funeral, and later visiting his graveside.  

I wept over my calendar as the flood of feelings overwhelmed me, then I fell to my knees and thanked a God who carried my heart and One who graciously supplies us with hope even through the most sorrowful of days.  That cold walk on Main Street was one where I smiled, waved, and pretend to be okay.  Our God does not require us to live in such a way, even though I’m certain His heart aches at how often we do.  The days when we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and pretend to be everything we are not.  When we force a smile and turn a blind eye to our reality that we find too difficult to face.   The days that we live as though we are walking down Main Street, parading a version of ourselves we deem as fit to be shared.  But God has not created us to live this way.  He has formed our hearts to need relationship, to bear one another’s burdens and to seek His heart beyond the disappointments we face in this world. 

He is a God who opens His arms wide to the hurting and those in need of rescue.  He promises to comfort all who mourn and He is not far from the broken hearted.  Those times we feel we might not make it through, yet find strength enough to let ourselves be carried, He is faithful to hide us in the shadow of his wings.  He loves us just as we are and understands the waves of our grieving when our hearts seem to catch us off guard. 

He simply asks us to come. 

To trust.

To let go of all that we grasp and trust in His everlasting promises.

To be one who remains at the Saviors side as the parade carries on. 

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness… The Lord is good to those who hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.” Lamentations 3:42

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my might rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:5-8

Bringing Ginger Ale Home

It’s the message that everyone knows the real meaning of and I can assure you is most dreaded by parents:  Can you bring home ginger ale?

The three of us mamas sat together over ice-cream where no small hands were trying to steal a bite.  We really covered much in our brief conversation, women have a way of doing that that’s fit enough for an Olympic sport.  We happened to be talking about sickness and the two others shared how their girls had recently been sick while I was utterly thankful that so far our kids had skipped out on this.  But no sooner did the thought cross my mind did the text for ginger ale come through.  My husband updated me briefly on the situation at home, our littlest was the one in need but for the moment everything was under control. 

The girls and I continued our evening, but my mama heart was concerned for my little fella and for Daddy who was holding down our fort.  I trusted he would let me know if I needed to come home right away and I also trusted that he was fully capable of handling our children, even if one was sick.  But after some time passed I checked in to see how things were and received no response, then that trust began to waver.  I wondered why I hadn’t heard from him and imagined that if he hadn’t reassured me everything was okay, then everything clearly could not have been okay! 

I headed home and picked up ginger ale on my way, all while picturing the scene that might unfold as I walked through the door.  I was preparing myself to be scrubbing floors, juggling buckets and up all night.  I thought for sure there would be a huge sigh of relief when I walked through the door because help had arrived…

Instead, they were all watching a movie together.  They were at-ease and completely under control. 

I was greatly relieved but could hardly believe how unnecessary all my worrying, anxiousness and preparing had been.  I had every reason to trust my husband’s ability, which I do, but nevertheless my desire to be needed and to intervene caused my trust to seem faltering.

It didn’t take long for my Heavenly Father to open my eyes to see my heart reflected in this momentary scene of another day in parenting.  God has never given me any reason to not fully trust in His ability to work for my good, to come through, to amaze me…in fact He’s gone above and beyond to reveal Himself in God-size ways just how much I can trust Him.  Yet I falter. 

We tend to pick up the pieces and try to figure out the puzzle in our own way, create our own picture, do it ourselves.  We rush ahead and insist on intervening with our own help when our Father is completely under control, unphased by the circumstances that tempt to distract us.   How often do we take the part we are to do, think it may not be enough and from that point try to make it more elaborate and complex, more seemingly necessary to building the Kingdom? 

In Mark 4:35-40 Jesus asks his disciples to get in the boat to cross to the other side.  Without question they obediently follow but when the storm hits and waves break over the boat they panic.  They wake Jesus and accuse him of not caring if they drown, they allow a momentary trouble to distract them from their destination. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

His Word makes it clear that we are not to worry or be anxious about anything.  We need to trust Him fully, knowing that our purpose and our position not only matter but make an eternal difference in the Kingdom of God.  It’s not up to our limited opinion to decide what needs to be done or how we should do it.  It’s up to our minds made up to follow God’s lead and be alert to the work of God surrounding us as we invest ourselves in His plan. 

So for the heart that feels like the “ginger-ale picker upper” in the Kingdom: Your part matters.

It may seem insignificant, unnoticed and unseen but it’s what the Father has asked and called you to do.  God doesn’t call you to busy you or keep you occupied until Kingdom come. He calls you in order to equip you to bring the Kingdom here to earth.  

God doesn’t need us to fulfill His plan, He wants us to be a part of His Story and to help lead others Home.  God desires for us to partner with Him and He will never turn away from a heart crying out to Him and for the soul pleading to be used by Him.  So don’t count yourself out, because when you feel purposeless you need to know that is a lie from the enemy who is out to destroy you.  You are loved by a God who created you on purpose, for a purpose and positioned you to live a life that impacts eternity.  Take care of the people and the things He has given you to care for today; love those He has surrounded you with in this moment; use your gifts, talents and abilities to bring glory to His Name; be present, be alert to His moving and follow His lead. 

 “Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”  1 Corinthians 15:58

The Changing Table

It wasn’t planned and the decision wasn’t extraordinary, it was just a typical day and a realization that it was finally time.  Months ago we talked about how the day would soon come, we anticipated it and came real close to going through with it but it just wasn’t time and deep down inside my mama heart I didn’t want to rush it.  Life caught up with us, our attention was consumed with big boy undies, dashes to the potty and over-exuberant cheers of victory.  In the midst of it all, the changing table stayed right where it has been for three years – taking up much of the one bathroom that five of us share, holding washcloths, wipes and whatever anyone decided to throw on it. 

But one day, I knew it was time and that we didn’t need it anymore. 

The moving of the changing table came as a great relief until I began to scrub the wall behind it.  In that moment, in a pile of dust and random objects, the memories came flooding.  I remembered the moment it was given to us and how I imagined all the sweet-smelling babies it would hold.  With each swelling of my belly, I would anxiously, tediously set things in place upon it in preparation of their lives filling our own.  It was there through the late nights and long days, the dirtiest of messes and the added-up hours of leaning in close to smell soft skin.  It was where our babies would coo and squirm as we’d “ooo and awe.”  As they grew they would crawl up to the top to get a little closer as they’d tell us stories.   They’d stand on top to admire haircuts and wait for kisses. 

So much life and love had happened surrounding the changing table.  I sat down on a stool, looking around at a bathroom now completely undone in the process of change and in that moment joy and sorrow abided.  As my mama heart went through snapshots and years gone by, the gentle whisper came that this really is going to be alright, that better things are ahead and life requires adjusting from time to time.  God was using this picture of a parenthood milestone to give me a glimpse at the transition He’s asking us to make in our lives. 

Parenting is a thing I could understand from my human perspective.  Our children are growing and in that there is out-growing of things they once needed, things we depended on to care for them and raise them.  Many memories were made in those years of raising babies but much is to be anticipated as we transition out of the baby-phase of parenting.  Even as my heart aches at those days becoming only memories, I am rejoicing at the beauty of my children growing strong and the changing roles we take on as parents as they do. 

For months, God has been working in our hearts to trust Him beyond a perspective we can understand.  He was asking us to let go of things that we once depended on and in ways needed, places where there was certainly life and love surrounding, but places that were now in the way.  There’s an eternal perspective that we can’t quite grasp due to our humanness, a perspective that requires faith and trust in a God who knows our hearts and everything that we need. 

This day on a bathroom floor, in the midst of undoing I saw my heart.  A heart that has allowed God to mold and shape, to move out big things to make more room for Him, to rearrange and shift but also one that can get anxious in the process.  A heart that at times can slam to door shut and scream “WAIT! Are you sure?” as though God is anything other than sure. 

How silly it would have been for me to get up from that stool, get the changing table and place it back claiming I wasn’t ready for my children to outgrow it and that I liked the way it restricted our space.  What would I have looked like if I took all the things set aside to throw away and put them back, let the dust cling fast to the wall and slumped down in pride that I got it all back where it once was?  Instead I rose up from the stool and continued forward.  I cleaned.  I purged.  I made room.  Not only in our bathroom but in my heart. I decided that my small steps of considering when the day would come were no longer enough.

  “A child of God is never out of the notice of God” – Pastor Tom Sprowls, Jr.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!”  Isaiah 43:19

It is time.  Time to let go of the old, to allow memories to be enough and to open our hearts to changing.  Although we may not fully understand and it may look like an upheaval of a mess, it’s time to trust that there is freedom because of the process.   It is time to have confidence in a Father who will meet our every need as we adjust our lives to what He’s calling us to.  Time to believe that the same God who spoke creation into existence is creating another chapter of our story. 

There comes a time in all our lives when we can choose to stay in what we know or embrace the unknown where God calls.  A place that requires adjusting and changing, possibly unknown to us but certainly known to Him.  A place that is good, wholesome and revives the soul.  

And without planning and no extraordinary measures, you somehow just know it is time.

“My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.”  Psalm 121:2

"She wasn't born for greatness, she didn't go to school for it, she just learned that sometimes God has a plan so big only He can see it and all she had to do was believe.. yep, she was just a regular kid, just like you.”

-Veggie Tales

The kids were watching this movie as I was finishing writing and this was what I heard in the background.  That may just be extraordinary...

Dominoes and Daughters

There were dominos scattered on the table and three kids quietly putting together their own creations.  While her brother built a tower, a dug out, and a hollow pit, she patiently worked on a sun surrounded by a heart.  He would build one thing, take it down and begin another while she carefully pieced her one design into place.  She called me in to see her masterpiece and proudly showed it off.  In the brief moment she walked away from the table, the littlest brother moved a piece.  She squealed and insisted he not touch it, which every sibling knows what happened next…

“He broke my heart!  He broke my heart!  I worked so hard to get it just right and he broke it!”

Oh, my sweet darling, how much I want to protect you from ever saying those words.  Even though I am unable to, I can introduce you to the One who can.  The Father who entrusted you to the care of your Daddy and myself holds your heart ever so close to His own. 

There will be times when you carefully work toward building what you vision in your heart, yet somehow time has a way of shifting and settling into something far different.  For those times I pray that you allow God to birth in you desires that match His eternal purpose, desires that stand the test of time and influence His Kingdom that cannot be shaken. 

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

There will be a day when a boy will catch glimpse of your heart and because we’re all human, you will both fall short and leave the other disappointed.  Wait for the one who cares enough to stay, who allows God to use him in loving you and who is committed to fixing the broken places that you will each have.  In this, know that no boy can break you of who God designed you to be.  Place your heart in the care of your First Love and allow Him to be the guide in all your thoughts and actions. 

“I delight greatly in the LORD: my soul rejoices in my God.  For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness… as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”  Isaiah 61:10

Of all things, may you be brave enough to allow your heart to be broken with the things that break the heart of God.  Remain humble, teachable and useable by the One who has a plan and purpose for you in an eternity that begins here on earth.  May you always know to the core of your being that you need not work to earn the love of God.  No amount of good works can earn His love or His blessings, these are not something to be earned, but instead they have been freely given to the heart that cries out to Him.  Jesus provided a way so that we could go to Him in the broken, messed up, condition that we are in and because of His grace, we don’t need to work hard to get it right on our own. 

 “…godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” 1 Timothy 4:8

“In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”  Ephesians 1:5-6

We sat back down at the table and together we rebuilt the broken pieces.  And my heart filled with thanks for a Father who comes close to us in our brokenness and helps us piece our dreams, our desires, our very selves back together again.  I praise Him for being One who loves this pretty girl far more than I can and the One I trust to be faithful in restoring her heart one day when she cries out those words to Him. 

This pretty girl who now grinned ear to ear as she excitedly told me it was just right:  a heart with the sun in the center. 

May the Son be at the center of your heart, the One who binds all your broken pieces together into a beautiful masterpiece for His glory. 

He Knows My Name

“A as in apple.  F as in Frank. T-O-N.”

Aston.  Ashton.  Aspen.   Aft-aw-n.  

Almost always anything but what my name is.  I’ve gotten so used to it that I generally don’t correct people after the third or fourth attempt.  For those that do get my name right, rarely the first time, but occasionally the second try, the same question always follows:

“Where did your parents ever hear that name?”

They expect a great story to go with such a unique name, but my parents got my name from a television show “Dallas”.  For those that recognize the show, they proceed to tell me that they don’t remember a character with that name.  It wasn’t a main character.  They stand there, with their thoughts visible through their expression, thinking of my name, making sure they got it right, and taken back by my lack-of-story to go along with it.  This happens all the time. 

Anyone with a unique name understands, but this whole name thing doesn’t bother me as it might some.  I like my name, most everyone who finally hears it right says it’s beautiful, my parents who love me immensely chose it for me, and I tend to prefer things that aren’t typical or ordinary.  When it comes down to it, the truth that really matters is this - He knows my name.

This simple truth goes far beyond a name and deep to a heart that often needs reminded:

When I feel alone and like no one really understands me, He knows my name.

When the road ahead seems unclear and uncertain, He knows my name.

When I no sooner find my footing that I’m stumbling again, He knows my name.

When the unexpected overturns everything once known, He knows my name. 

No matter where we are or where we have been, He knows exactly where to find us.  He knows the things that trouble our hearts and keep us up at night.  When we feel unworthy, shamed and undone, He loves us just the same.  When it feels like everyone is busy and distracted while our own world is standing still, He has never left our side.  When the day ahead seems questionable and unreliable, He alone is able.   

He knows your name.

He knows where you’ve kept yourself hidden.  He wants you in all the beautiful mess that you feel you are in.  There is no distance too far or shame too much to outdo His grace that covers it all.  There is no circumstance, no diagnosis, no death-like-grave, and no hell that His love has not already overcome. 

We can rest in confident trust that the God whose spoken word brought all of creation into existence, who breathed life into dry bones, who brought His Son up out of the grave, is the same God who knows us by name.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”

Isaiah 43:1-13 NLT

Clinging to Diapers

They say when you have multiple children that their personalities are each different and it couldn’t be more true.  Our youngest is the one who is particular and likes consistency, he’s the one who cries when it’s time to wash his blanket and isn’t a big fan of mom and dad leaving.  It took a great deal of convincing him it was okay when it was time to pack up the clothes that no longer fit to pass on to his baby cousin.  He was not pleased when they went from the laundry and into a bag, not into his drawer, and I would catch him pulling a too-small shirt back out and trying to fit it on. 

We’ve slowly been working on potty training.  One day he did it, he woke up and went running to the potty each and every time he had to go!  He continued to do so for several days but there was only one problem: his diaper.  All the convincing in the world with dramatic choo-choo’s and cars and boyhood heroes was not selling this boy on underwear.  There was no way our boy was giving up what was known and comfortable, even if it was time, even if it made sense, even if it was totally-awesome!  He clung desperately to what he wanted to hang on to even though what would be given was better.  Eventually I had to hide his diapers, in their place put the undies and stand by as he rolled on the floor trying to get back the familiar. 

As the days went by, he learned that this was his new normal.  The diapers were kept tucked away until bedtime and he began enjoying picking out what pair of undies he would wear each morning.  As a mama, I’m certainly rejoicing in the nearness of not changing messy diapers, but at the same time my heart is weeping a little as diapers make their way out of our lives. 

In the midst of this transition season of boyhood and motherhood I realized how much this spoke of a bigger picture.  How often God is doing a new thing and asking us to take hold of it, to jump in and enjoy what lies ahead, but how desperately we try to cling to the past.  This life inevitably changes, seemingly as often as the seasons do.  We no sooner get used to and acclimated to one season and a squall of the next hits us hard.  I’m guilty of spiritually laying on the floor, kicking, crying and pleading for life to remain the same, to just let me bask in the moment and not rush me onto the unfamiliar.  Yet my Father, whose plan and purpose far outweigh mine, patiently waits for my tantrum to end and for me to reach out my hand to trust him once more. 

Circumstances change, people change, relationships change, seasons change, locations change, careers change, family dynamics change…everything changes.  There certainly are some things that remain consistent throughout our lives, but as the years, days, moments pass and our lives continue on we experience transitions.  With each step we have a choice to let those things leave us bitter, leave us looking back, longing for what once was or we can embrace the new road ahead and trust our lives to a God who is Unchanging. 

“I the Lord do not change.” Malachi 3:6

Change can come in the form of something much anticipated that we have prayed for, waited for and dreamed of.  But it can also come when a loved one dies, when our lives seem to be uprooted and repositioned, unexpectedly and unchosen.  Through it all our God remains the same, the Unchangeable One.  His promises are sure and His foundation is solid.  When we root ourselves in His love and in His will, we can allow ourselves to ebb and flow within the waves of an ever-changing life.  Our security is then found on the sacred grounds of knowing that He is LORD regardless of our season.  Through the highs, we remain humble and through the lows, we remain sure.  We no longer need to be His children who are clinging to our diapers: those things we once needed, depended on and grew a liking to, the things we simply cannot hold onto forever.  We can trust that there is joy to be found in the new road ahead, a new normal that will allow us to mature and grow into who He has created us to be, all for our good and all for His glory. 

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:19

The Blanket

As I’ve sorted through our baby things, deciding what to give to friends, what to donate and what to tuck away for keepsakes, my heart ached as I held onto the well-worn flannel receiving blankets that have swaddled each of our little ones.  Treasured within the soft linen were memories of those first days and months when our babies began their lives.  These blankets were thrown over our shoulders as we’d gently pat their backs and help ease their bellies.  Blankets that each baby was wrapped perfectly in by Daddy to remind them of the closeness they knew within my womb.  They were faded and stained and the sweet smell of innocence still lingered.  I held them close, remembering those precious moments.  As our little ones have grown, some of these were used by our girl to wrap up her baby dolls as she’d take the role of mama and fill it so well.  They’ve wrapped a cat or two, been used for capes and made their way through each stage as we’ve tried to keep up with the fleeting days.  This mama who doesn’t hang on to much, couldn’t bear the thought of letting them go so I tucked them away. 

One day when our town was buried in over two feet of snow, I pulled them out again.  Among these I also had one that was my husband's when he was a baby and one that had been mine.  I didn’t want these blankets to be stored away for memories to be recalled later.  There were still memories to be made.  I decided to stitch them together, just as our family has been. 

Beings that I’m not an experienced seamstress I laid it out on our kitchen table how I wanted it to end up and stared, confused and scared to mess it up.  I debated on whether or not I should do it or if I should pass it on to any number of well-able seamstresses I know.  I called in my husband and asked him for advice on what to do and as usual he gave me a place to start and helped me each time I would get stuck.  At one point we had it clamped to the doorway to hang straight so I could pin it.  I even sewed the wrong ends together and had to strip several feet of seam and begin again. One by one I pieced our blankets together and called on my mom and quilter-friend when I needed their advice.  Somehow in the midst of all my mistakes it was still coming together and turning out better than I had imagined. 

This blanket…

There is unevenness where I wanted straight lines.

There are bumps where I wanted it to be smooth.

             Mistakes were made and there are tears hidden beneath view.

             It isn’t by a professional but by one whose heart is swollen with love.

             There are memories laced in the fading and stains. 

             It isn’t perfect but it is ours.

As I was carefully and slowly finishing the seams and nearing being completed, I realized how much this blanket compared to mamahood.  I started out much the same way when our first son was born, confused and fearful of not getting it right.  In many ways I’d ask my husband, who had more experience with babies than I, what to do next.  Many things involved in this role that I could have passed on to outside help, to others who may be more qualified, experienced or knowledgeable than I, but things that by the grace of God I have been able to fill for my family.  We haven’t done it all the typical way, we’ve had to make our own path, find what has worked for us and find where God has willed us.  We’ve utterly messed up, got it all wrong and have had to seemingly start again.  I am daily brought to my knees pleading for help and asking advice from a Father who knows the depths of their hearts far greater than I.  

There is a God piecing together the story of our lives into His Bigger Story. 

                There will be unevenness but He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:6)

                There will be bumps but He will make rough places smooth.  (Isa. 45:2)

                Mistakes will be made and hearts will be torn but He is close to those hidden in Him. (Ps 34:18)

                A story made by the Creator of all things, the Father whose hearts is swollen with love for His Children.

                Embrace the worn-in, weary, stained places that have brought you where you are.

                This life isn’t perfect, but it is ours to live.    

He is creating a beautiful masterpiece within yours…