Clinging to Diapers

They say when you have multiple children that their personalities are each different and it couldn’t be more true.  Our youngest is the one who is particular and likes consistency, he’s the one who cries when it’s time to wash his blanket and isn’t a big fan of mom and dad leaving.  It took a great deal of convincing him it was okay when it was time to pack up the clothes that no longer fit to pass on to his baby cousin.  He was not pleased when they went from the laundry and into a bag, not into his drawer, and I would catch him pulling a too-small shirt back out and trying to fit it on. 

We’ve slowly been working on potty training.  One day he did it, he woke up and went running to the potty each and every time he had to go!  He continued to do so for several days but there was only one problem: his diaper.  All the convincing in the world with dramatic choo-choo’s and cars and boyhood heroes was not selling this boy on underwear.  There was no way our boy was giving up what was known and comfortable, even if it was time, even if it made sense, even if it was totally-awesome!  He clung desperately to what he wanted to hang on to even though what would be given was better.  Eventually I had to hide his diapers, in their place put the undies and stand by as he rolled on the floor trying to get back the familiar. 

As the days went by, he learned that this was his new normal.  The diapers were kept tucked away until bedtime and he began enjoying picking out what pair of undies he would wear each morning.  As a mama, I’m certainly rejoicing in the nearness of not changing messy diapers, but at the same time my heart is weeping a little as diapers make their way out of our lives. 

In the midst of this transition season of boyhood and motherhood I realized how much this spoke of a bigger picture.  How often God is doing a new thing and asking us to take hold of it, to jump in and enjoy what lies ahead, but how desperately we try to cling to the past.  This life inevitably changes, seemingly as often as the seasons do.  We no sooner get used to and acclimated to one season and a squall of the next hits us hard.  I’m guilty of spiritually laying on the floor, kicking, crying and pleading for life to remain the same, to just let me bask in the moment and not rush me onto the unfamiliar.  Yet my Father, whose plan and purpose far outweigh mine, patiently waits for my tantrum to end and for me to reach out my hand to trust him once more. 

Circumstances change, people change, relationships change, seasons change, locations change, careers change, family dynamics change…everything changes.  There certainly are some things that remain consistent throughout our lives, but as the years, days, moments pass and our lives continue on we experience transitions.  With each step we have a choice to let those things leave us bitter, leave us looking back, longing for what once was or we can embrace the new road ahead and trust our lives to a God who is Unchanging. 

“I the Lord do not change.” Malachi 3:6

Change can come in the form of something much anticipated that we have prayed for, waited for and dreamed of.  But it can also come when a loved one dies, when our lives seem to be uprooted and repositioned, unexpectedly and unchosen.  Through it all our God remains the same, the Unchangeable One.  His promises are sure and His foundation is solid.  When we root ourselves in His love and in His will, we can allow ourselves to ebb and flow within the waves of an ever-changing life.  Our security is then found on the sacred grounds of knowing that He is LORD regardless of our season.  Through the highs, we remain humble and through the lows, we remain sure.  We no longer need to be His children who are clinging to our diapers: those things we once needed, depended on and grew a liking to, the things we simply cannot hold onto forever.  We can trust that there is joy to be found in the new road ahead, a new normal that will allow us to mature and grow into who He has created us to be, all for our good and all for His glory. 

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:19

The Blanket

As I’ve sorted through our baby things, deciding what to give to friends, what to donate and what to tuck away for keepsakes, my heart ached as I held onto the well-worn flannel receiving blankets that have swaddled each of our little ones.  Treasured within the soft linen were memories of those first days and months when our babies began their lives.  These blankets were thrown over our shoulders as we’d gently pat their backs and help ease their bellies.  Blankets that each baby was wrapped perfectly in by Daddy to remind them of the closeness they knew within my womb.  They were faded and stained and the sweet smell of innocence still lingered.  I held them close, remembering those precious moments.  As our little ones have grown, some of these were used by our girl to wrap up her baby dolls as she’d take the role of mama and fill it so well.  They’ve wrapped a cat or two, been used for capes and made their way through each stage as we’ve tried to keep up with the fleeting days.  This mama who doesn’t hang on to much, couldn’t bear the thought of letting them go so I tucked them away. 

One day when our town was buried in over two feet of snow, I pulled them out again.  Among these I also had one that was my husband's when he was a baby and one that had been mine.  I didn’t want these blankets to be stored away for memories to be recalled later.  There were still memories to be made.  I decided to stitch them together, just as our family has been. 

Beings that I’m not an experienced seamstress I laid it out on our kitchen table how I wanted it to end up and stared, confused and scared to mess it up.  I debated on whether or not I should do it or if I should pass it on to any number of well-able seamstresses I know.  I called in my husband and asked him for advice on what to do and as usual he gave me a place to start and helped me each time I would get stuck.  At one point we had it clamped to the doorway to hang straight so I could pin it.  I even sewed the wrong ends together and had to strip several feet of seam and begin again. One by one I pieced our blankets together and called on my mom and quilter-friend when I needed their advice.  Somehow in the midst of all my mistakes it was still coming together and turning out better than I had imagined. 

This blanket…

There is unevenness where I wanted straight lines.

There are bumps where I wanted it to be smooth.

             Mistakes were made and there are tears hidden beneath view.

             It isn’t by a professional but by one whose heart is swollen with love.

             There are memories laced in the fading and stains. 

             It isn’t perfect but it is ours.

As I was carefully and slowly finishing the seams and nearing being completed, I realized how much this blanket compared to mamahood.  I started out much the same way when our first son was born, confused and fearful of not getting it right.  In many ways I’d ask my husband, who had more experience with babies than I, what to do next.  Many things involved in this role that I could have passed on to outside help, to others who may be more qualified, experienced or knowledgeable than I, but things that by the grace of God I have been able to fill for my family.  We haven’t done it all the typical way, we’ve had to make our own path, find what has worked for us and find where God has willed us.  We’ve utterly messed up, got it all wrong and have had to seemingly start again.  I am daily brought to my knees pleading for help and asking advice from a Father who knows the depths of their hearts far greater than I.  

There is a God piecing together the story of our lives into His Bigger Story. 

                There will be unevenness but He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:6)

                There will be bumps but He will make rough places smooth.  (Isa. 45:2)

                Mistakes will be made and hearts will be torn but He is close to those hidden in Him. (Ps 34:18)

                A story made by the Creator of all things, the Father whose hearts is swollen with love for His Children.

                Embrace the worn-in, weary, stained places that have brought you where you are.

                This life isn’t perfect, but it is ours to live.    

He is creating a beautiful masterpiece within yours…

 

When We Don't Know What to Pray

Months ago the whole lot of us knelt in the auditorium to get on our knees and intercede for a family that just suffered through a tragic accident.  There was just one problem I had: I couldn’t pray for this one family when my heart so heavily burdened with others.  To be honest, at that point all I could really do was kneel and weep inside. 

Days before we left for this week long conference, our friends got the news that their young niece was diagnosed with an in-operable brain tumor.  She was 6.  The same age as our daughter. 

While at the conference we got news that a dear woman in our church was diagnosed with cancer.

And this word, this disease, this diagnosis had repeatedly came up in the weeks that followed.

Every one of them being part our larger “family”, our family of believers, and it has affected our lives greatly.  I prayed the typical prayers but they felt empty, they felt routine and these precious people needed more than religious prayers. 

As I knelt that day and surrendered my own religious prayers, I asked God

What do you desire that I pray for?  What would you have me pray on behalf of these people who desperately need you and who need hope?

And I waited.  There on the hard floor next to my husband, in a room full of those bent at the throne of grace, His whisper came:

The eternal. 

God’s will is that we overcome and find life even when our earthly answer is death.  It was His Son who died so that even in facing earthly death, His people would overcome it and be alive for all eternity.  When we are at the end of ourselves, when we can’t see the light, we simply need to pray for the Light.  We may not know how to pray for those things that utterly break our hearts, but there is a God who knows, who sees, who comes close through our suffering.  When we can’t find an answer or a way, we turn to The Answer and The Way.   

There may be healing, there may not be.  There may been a quick recovery, there may be a long road to heal. There may be a breakthrough, there may be a breaking. 

But in all this, there is the possibility of an eternal outcome. 

An eternal outcome is the most important thing we could petition God for.

Jesus came to break every chain, to leave the grave empty, to heal the sick and lame.  He will do that, God will fulfill every promise to every believer whose life has been ransomed by Christ.

We may not see that or understand that here on earth but there is eternity set in the hearts of those who believe in these Truth’s.  There is a greater Story, a greater Plan.   May all that we go through – in joy and in sorrow – may we be making deposits into the Kingdom, setting our eyes on eternity and trusting in a Sovereign God who is faithful to His Promises. 

“You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.”

Psalm 30:11-12

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18


"His perfect love could not be overcome
Death where is your sting
Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated"
"Forever" by Kari Jobe
(click on lyrics to view music video)