The "unity candles" you light don’t end when that white pillar is placed in a pretty box. You will take your light and unite it with that of your love, making one single light burn bright. And you’ll snuff your old light out to find a new togetherness. And it’s no wonder those pretty candles burn on the altar because when that pretty candle is tucked away, your lives need to stay right there where they became one - at the altar.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
The honeymoon may have it’s share of road bumps and maybe even road blocks. There will be things that catch you off guard and you may not have the island getaway that some do. But you should soak in it, and be there - totally there, because when life comes at you, you’ll go back here and reminisce on those first days together. Take lots of pictures. One day you’ll pull out those photos and remember the innocent bliss of new found territory and you’ll fall in love all over again.
Everyone will have their opinion on your children. When you should have them, how many you should have, when to try again and when to quit. But this journey is one that only you and your spouse will travel together. Others may be on the sidelines cheering you on but it is one another that you will need to lean on. And as you do, make that known to one another: hold her tight when the blue lines don’t show, and let him be there with you, let him hold you and know it’s okay to break for one another. It’s okay to not be strong, because you aren’t in this alone. If you are both weak, together you can lean on Him who is your Strength.
“Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you." Isaiah 41:10
There will come a time when bills need paid, jobs need finished, the car needs repaired, the house needs work, the in-laws need visited, the chores need done…and times when it all happens at once. There will be too much of it and you’ll both be stretched thin - emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually. During these times you will be tempted to blame one another. Do. Not. These are the times that miracles happen. Literal, parting the Red Sea like miracles, when God can display His work in your lives. It may be painful but put down your pointing finger and reach out your hand. Go through it together because when you look back you will find that these were the times that refined your faith and you’ll be better for it.
“Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfectly and fully developed, lacking in nothing.” James 1:3-4 AMP
We are all human and we all have this nagging tendency to do it our own way. When everything inside of you is screaming to get in the last word, instead of holding your ground, hold your tongue. It has the power to destroy that heart you love so dearly. Don’t let it. And if something is said, don’t let it go thinking that you didn’t really mean it. Go to them and humble yourself to ask forgiveness and speak life.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21
Two lives don’t always come together with ease. You will need to sacrifice some of your own wants and desires, your own habits and even your own dreams. When you need to, it doesn’t make your spouse any less of a lover. They too are making sacrifices even if you don’t realize it. When you set aside your own wants, you become a tangible Jesus. It was He who gave it all for you.
“Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all.”
Romans 8:32
One day the sparks and butterflies will begin to fade. But don’t settle for it, be intentional about it. Society will tell you it’s chemical and try to put out the spark or encourage you to find other ways to keep it burning.
So when life pulls you away
the work…the kids…the family…the friends…
the groups…the sports…the deadlines…
a society overwhelmed with pornography, prostitution,
masturbation and lust
you need to pull in close to each other.
As with any spark, it is up to you to make it a flame burning hot. That may mean filtering your schedule: taking on a less demanding job and trusting God more; quitting the team because your other half needs his/her teammate; saying no to the outing with friends because what you really need is time with your best friend. It may mean intentionally planning a date night. It may mean staying up late because it’s the only time you can be alone. Make it happen. And not out of duty or obligation, but out of love for one another and out of a passion whose fire can burn long and beautifully.
“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.”Proverbs 5:15
“Flood waters can’t drown love, torrents of rain can’t put it out.”Song of Songs 8:6-7 MSG
Those date nights that once were filled with romantic evenings for two, candlelight and planning will not always be that way. One day you’ll trade a night out for a night in. You’ll decline the dinner reservations for a delivered pizza. You’ll cringe at the thought of squeezing into your best outfit and you’ll choose to put on the oversized sweatshirt and pajama pants. You’ll consider a walk on a dirt-road, a quiet stream to fish in, a tree-stand for two and a picnic blanket some of the best dates. And it’s okay if a date night is simply falling asleep in one another’s arms because it’s all you have left at the end of the day. Plan times to be alone together, keep on dating, it’s really that important.
If you have children you will need to know the best advice I’ve ever heard:
GOD. MARRIAGE. KIDS.
That order. Always. Because when the wise man whispered it after a dinner spent watching the two of them lean on one another and laugh with each other and seeing their eyes still shine - I knew he knew. And I breathed a sigh of relief at just how right he was. One day your babies will outgrow your lovely nest and you need to have a good, solid foundation when they do. Be careful to not lose your realtionship in relating to your little ones. It’s okay to take them to grandma’s just so you can focus on one another for longer than three short seconds without whines, cries, demands or questions. It’s okay to call an early bed time because you need a little more time with your love. These things don’t make you bad parents - they make you better parents. Parenting will undo you, it will change your lives entirely, make the change together.
Your marriage began at the altar and that’s where it needs to stay. When one of you gets up and walks away, which you will because we all fall short, the other should push him back. We get to celebrate our love’s victories and see them at their best, but we must not turn away when they hit rock bottom and when we see them at their worst. These are the times our love needs our love, His love, the most. We made the commitment the day we lit the candle and placed the ring on one another’s finger and we need to commit every day of our lives to living up to our promise. For better or for worse. Bring them back to the foot of the cross, kicking and wailing if you must, but back to the Loving care of Him who holds you both together.
When you least expect it, you may be on the receiving end of a confession. Listen with grace, the same grace that He extended to you when He sent His Only Son. Stay humble and hear the heart behind the hurt and extend forgiveness even if it feels undeserved. Because soon enough you may be on the other side and find yourself needing to admit your wrong-doing. In those moments you will need forgiveness and grace as well. And when you can’t find the strength, ask Him who supplies all our needs and extend it through Him. He is faithful. If you can find humility in the darkest days, you can shine the very light of Christ to the one you love. Keep your heart tender toward your love and tender toward your God.
“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31,32
Make it a habit to pray for one another. Write your prayers down, pray them boldly, believe big things for your love. Insert their name in scripture and claim promises over their lives. God has graciously given you the gift to spend your life with this one.single.person. Use it wisely. Don’t waste a minute of it. Storm the gates of Heaven and Earth with prayers for him/her. Share your burdens. Be vulnerable and courageous. Praying for one another and with one another will bring an intimacy to your marriage that no bedroom can produce.
One day that hand that you place that shining ring on will be frail. The lines will tell the story of your lives. And when that time comes you’re going to want to be there. You’re going to want to hold that hand when your time is running out. Because in those moments what really matters is the love you shared. The job, the work, the hobbies, the others…they fade into the background.
What will matter is the life and the love that you shared
...together...
There I sat, witnessing love when all else faded away and those two frail hands were holding tight one last time. She couldn't say it enough:
“You’re the best friend I ever had, I love you…I love you.”
“Thank you for the beautiful life you’ve given me. I love you.”
He asked for her coat because when he could barely utter anything he still worried about her and cared for her. It’s what he knew to do - to love her beyond himself. Just like the Savior he loved so dearly did for him.
With tears in his fading eyes he said back, three words whispered
“…I love you.”
He looked right in the eyes of my husband, my best friend, my love and he said
“Take care of my baby.” And that blue-eyed love of mine choked back tears and promised him that he would.
Because the Home-bound man knew what my love and I had.
And I knew it.
I knew he would take care of his bride that is undeserving of the beautiful life and love that he continues to give me. Because I mess up, I get it wrong, I’ve held my ground when I should have held my tongue. I have gotten up and walked hard away from the altar. I’ve been on the receiving end of a confession and I’ve also fallen on my knees begging for forgiveness, forgiveness that I gave and that he gave…the first time we asked. I’ve had to drag that boy with all my might back to the altar and God bless him for bringing me back kicking and wailing.
He loves me beyond himself, just as I love him.
It’s not about the wedding day - the white dress, the boutonniere, the perfect colors, the flowers or the dancing. It’s not about the cards and the gifts and the well-wishes. It’s not about how the tiered cake stood perfectly, if it stood at all. It’s not about the big or the fancy, the invitations or the favors.
It’s about the wedding of two lives together as one - the healing after being broken, the standing after falling, the arms that caught you when you fell and the eyes that hold your gaze. It’s about patience, forgiveness, grace and mercy. It’s about standing by one another’s side to celebrate the good days and staying closely there when you face your worst. It’s about finding beauty in the uncovered body that has stretched and grown and wrinkled in time. It’s about the love that thrives:
baked in the warm cookies,
given in the welcome home kiss,
made between the crisp sheets,
grounded in the morning devotions
and grown deeper as the time goes by.
It’s about the legacy you leave behind, a life of love that will outlive you both. It’s about remembering the flame you lit together and staying right there where you began - at the altar.
“Marriage is a crucifixion and you’re not meant to survive it.”
Charles Stanley
