It’s been months of turning and bending and some days of
breaking. There’s been plenty going on,
plenty of good things, a huge harvest to be preserved physically, but what
about spiritually? I’ve been wrestling
God for weeks because in the midst of everything else has been this grieving process that
has left such a scar on my heart.
I’ve received more calls over the years than I can count telling
me he was in the hospital. But the call
that came that cold spring day as we stood in line for the parade was different. I knew.
I’ve been through gut-wrenching loss before and there’s a
similar pattern, a way we survive it and make it through. Each time bitter weeping followed the news, a
moment when emotions overwhelmed and sorrow sank deep.
It
happened when my Dad called unusually early and told me my brother was gone.
It happened with one word from my
midwife. “Miscarriage.”
And it
happened when I knew deep down that my dear uncle’s time was drawing near.
But we can’t stay weeping.
The weeping turns to shock as we take a moment to breathe and realize the
reality of our lives being changed by a dying we did not ask for, plan for and
frankly weren't ready to face. It doesn’t
matter how much “planning” or “readying” we do, nothing prepares us for death. We were not created for it. The shock is a sort of anesthetic to the soul
that helps us put one foot in front of the other and keep moving after our
world seems to come to a crashing halt.
We can easily be numbed by the shock, we can become detached
and distant. This period is where the
enemy sets a trap and we most often fall into his lies and whispers of darkness. We must know
truth through the shock. Truth that tells us we are not alone, that
this is not something God has done to punish us, that His love for us in constant
and never-changing, that there will be new mercies and joy again. We must push through and find divine
strength to be present. Because those
moments are some of the most sacred – moments when we soak it in, when we
understand our humanness, when we allow ourselves to be carried.
"It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
A period of guilt often follows when the could-have-been’s
and should-have-been’s seem to linger.
Somehow we think we could have done something different and the sting
would not be so harsh. We turn over ways
we could have relieved the ache before it ever occurred. It’s a small way we cling to try to control the
sovereign, as though we could have changed something, anything that would’ve
offered relief or eased our minds. Soon
enough it’s realized there’s nothing we could have done differently.
The sorrow we once felt gives way, at times, to anger as we
wrestle to understand why and to let go of the illusion of control that we can’t
grasp. We question God and His ways,
possibly His existence. Faith is shaken
and it’s a critical time when most turn away from their Father who is ready and
waiting with open arms. We must turn toward
Him, go to Him with our questions and our doubts, our fears and the burdens we
bear. It’s at the foot of the cross
where we find this gift we are desperately seeking yet know not to ask
for. Our hearts crave it in every way,
more so through the desperation of days marked by grief:
Grace.
After the death of my brother, I sought to find peace of
mind. The guilt of could-have-been’s
weighed on my heart like a burden too heavy to bear.
There are days, and likely will
always be days where I once again need to turn it over. Where healing is found in the continued process
of laying it down at the cross every time I pick it up again.
When we do our best with our days
given, shining a light for Him and standing firm in our faith as we live in the
truth of our belief in His Son – He is pleased, it is enough.
His grace covers where we fall
short.
After the death of my babies, I questioned God for years, I
sought healing where it could not be found and I pushed my hurt hard away as I
tried to move on.
When I turned it over to a God who
understood the loss of a child, whose only Son bears the scars for my very
existence, that’s when it changed for me.
I no longer needed answers because I was walking with the Answer.
When we turn to Him through our
deepest sorrows a peace floods our soul, our longings turn away from the need
to understand and turn to a longing for Christ.
His grace fills the areas that
were left empty, His grace heals the brokenhearted.
And now, after the death of my uncle, a man who was a
constant pillar of my faith and my life, I have wrestled with God. In His loving ways, He has allowed it. Much within me wants to cling to the present, to selfishly want him back, to pluck him out of the arms of His Savior. Although my life is changed by this man’s
passing – God’s love is unchanging, His promise holds true through the fleeting
days of our lives on earth.
As I wrestle and pick up to push through,
His grace comes like a flood to my soul.
He speaks in ways that only a Sovereign God who is All-Knowing and All-Loving
could do. Every doubt covered by His
words, every longing filled by His presence, pushing me forward and into what I
know and what I love.
His grace allows us to embrace the
change that comes after loss. Because of
His constant love and tender mercy toward His children, we are able to fall
apart and find our way back again. His
grace covers our short-comings as we walk out our faith and wrestle with all
that is Christ within us.
His grace draws us near to be held by the One who carries
us through.
Grief is not something you get over, it is not something
that time heals. Grief is something Christ only can heal and it is something
that by His grace we can get through. Grief has many stages, and although the
stages are harmful if we linger in them, they have the seeds that when sown can
one day becoming a bountiful harvest. While grief has a way of changing and
shifting, God is the Great I Am who does not dwell in stages but in a light
that penetrates all the darkness of what death brings. It is He who overcame death once and for all who
causes us to hope, who floods our souls with peace and who covers us with His
grace.
Jesus.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:1-3
The Name above all Names that removes our grief:
the poorness,
the breaking of our hearts,
the mourning, the ashes
and every spirit of despair
whose desire is to take us out.
The One who overcame so that we could live fully alive in
Him:
who brought good news,
who binds up our wounds,
who comes close to comfort
our aching hearts,
and who provides for those of us who grieve –
bestowing beauty,
filling us with joy unspeakable
and giving us strength and desire to praise through life's storms.
Jesus.
He is the grace within our grief.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may received mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16
