It was colder than cold and we were in line readying our
float for the parade. We were filling
candy bags, straightening decorations and covering the kids with blankets on
the hay bales.
And freezing.
I took a call and something deep within my heart resonated
and I knew.
My dear uncle was in the hospital and not due to lack of
hope, but more so to be what I believe my loving Father preparing me, I knew he
wasn’t going to make it back home.
This time he would be going Home.
I hung up the phone and buried myself into my husband’s
embrace. The parade had begun and it was
our turn in line, so I quickly dried my tears and had taken my place alongside
our float - smiling, greeting the crowd, handing out candy, and walking forward
as inside my heart was breaking.
God would graciously provide us with time to say goodbye,
precious moments full of His grace that I cherish before he would go Home a few
short days later. The day he passed my
heart was prepared, as prepared as a heart can be to lose someone so
foundational in your life, I was at peace with saying goodbye and thankful for
the closure I was afforded. Completely
unlike the morning of that parade where I was shocked, where I didn’t feel
ready or prepared. Therefore, that particular
day has since served as a marker of my uncle’s death more so than the one of his
passing, it’s one that feels as cold emotionally as it did physically that day
two years ago.
I was checking our calendar for a few dates when I realized
that this year the day that he went Home and the parade fall on the same
day. It seems such a silly thing to get upset
over but I just don’t like it. It’s a
portion of my grief that is more difficult to navigate: bitter cold, an
unexplained feeling deep within my being of a certain end drawing near, having
to pick up and push forward too soon.
It brought a flood of emotions, maybe all the ones I locked
inside that day as I forced myself to smile and put one foot in front of the
other. I am grateful for the days and
moments that followed that parade, when I was able to grieve and to witness
love, to find joy through the sorrow and abiding peace through the wrenching ache. Those were the moments that I trusted God
with my heart through the hurt, as I allowed His provision and strength to
carry me through. From the still, quiet
moments in the hospital room, to honoring his life at the funeral, and later
visiting his graveside.
I wept over my calendar as the flood of feelings overwhelmed
me, then I fell to my knees and thanked a God who carried my heart and One who
graciously supplies us with hope even through the most sorrowful of days. That cold walk on Main Street was one where I
smiled, waved, and pretend to be okay. Our
God does not require us to live in such a way, even though I’m certain His
heart aches at how often we do. The days
when we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and pretend to be everything we
are not. When we force a smile and turn
a blind eye to our reality that we find too difficult to face. The days that we live as though we are
walking down Main Street, parading a version of ourselves we deem as fit to be
shared. But God has not created us to
live this way. He has formed our hearts
to need relationship, to bear one another’s burdens and to seek His heart
beyond the disappointments we face in this world.
He is a God who opens His arms wide to the hurting and those
in need of rescue. He promises to
comfort all who mourn and He is not far from the broken hearted. Those times we feel we might not make it
through, yet find strength enough to let ourselves be carried, He is faithful
to hide us in the shadow of his wings.
He loves us just as we are and understands the waves of our grieving
when our hearts seem to catch us off guard.
He simply asks us to come.
To trust.
To let go of all that we grasp and trust in His everlasting
promises.
To be one who remains at the Saviors side as the parade
carries on.
“Yet this I call to
mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not
consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is
thy faithfulness… The Lord is good to those who hope is in him, to the one who
seeks him.” Lamentations 3:42
“Find rest, O my soul,
in God alone; my hope comes from him. He
alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he
is my might rock, my refuge. Trust in
him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”
Psalm 62:5-8
