Baby Isaiah

    As I filled in the birthdays on the new years calendar I came to “Baby Isaiah” and I took a moment to thank God for the blessing our unborn baby is to us and for how far the Lord has brought me. In the past when I would see this day a flood of emotions would overwhelm me, like “What does our baby look like?”, “Why was he taken away?”, “If only I could have held him”, and I would throw out question after question to God. I would tell myself He is control and He has a reason for everything but I wasn’t acting it or really believing it. A few years later we had Peyton and some of my fears subsided, until it happened a second time. This brought about even more questions like “how could You put me through this again?”. The pain and grief of a miscarriage is often one that is unspoken. One we think we carry alone, even our husbands haven’t felt the physical aspects of bonding with the baby you’re carrying and then the pain of losing it.
    I found myself questioning Gods intentions because I couldn’t understand why. Some of life storms pass and once through them we can look back and say “I understand God and I thank you because I’m better for it” at times easier than others. I knew in my heart that God does not make mistakes and that our angels have a home far beyond what we could have provided here on earth but I still couldn’t find closure and I still didn’t understand why. Then during a Bible study I was faced with the question “when was your first real heartbreak?” and my first answer was “I think I went through most of my later childhood and teen years with a broken heart of some form.” But I quickly felt I needed a better answer, “my first REAL heartbreak?”…after some time in prayer I answered “My first REAL heartBREAK was when we lost our first baby.” After realizing that small truth about myself I went on and finished the lesson. Toward the end I read a small part that changed everything for me:
“A crushing hurt comes to our heart and the sympathizing, scarred hand of Christ presses the wound; and for just a moment, the pain seems to intensify…but finally the bleeding stops.”
Just the image of His scarred hand over my hurting heart was profound! From that moment on the way I looked at the whole situation changed. I wasn’t alone, God understood my hurt completely, and He began opening my eyes to the blessings I had because of my loss. Isaiah 40:21 says “…not one is missing or lacks anything.” People come and go from this earth every day but not one is missing, whether they are here or not there is a reason for it. Take time to read Job 38, let it sink in your heart how Mighty our God truly is.
    I may never know “why” as long as I’m on this earth but I have found a peace in knowing that God is Sovereign and He IS in control. He is our Comforter, the Mender of broken hearts and if you let Him, He will heal your every hurt.
    As I wrote his birthday down on our calendar, although a part of me will always be sad, I finally am able to see the blessings that have come. Believe it or not there are more than what I could write here. One of the biggest is the fact that I’m a better mother to my babies I have here with me. I honestly see them as gifts from God and I do my very best to not take them for granted. It brought my husband and I closer together and we each gained a much greater respect and love for our Lord. Our babies are sitting with Jesus and He holds them now, how precious that thought is!
    If you’re going through this, don’t run away from God or blame Him. Cling to Him and search for Him and He promises He will be there for you. He will answer you and He will comfort you. I pray for you that you are able to find peace and closure. Be comforted knowing that your precious angel is sitting on God’s lap waiting for you!